my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
