Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
