Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
