I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
