So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
