i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
