woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
