A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
