I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
