there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
