I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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