I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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