I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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