Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize