I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
