Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
