Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
