I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
