i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
