If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
