i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize