he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
