I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
