I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
