I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
