Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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