i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
