Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
