As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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