absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I think I sprained my soul last night
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
