I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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