There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
you never un-have a 4some
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
