Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
