my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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