I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
