Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
