I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Drake has all the answers
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
