I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
