Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
