What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
It's never too late to be topless.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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