...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
