I puked a lego.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize