Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
