i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
