If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
