He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
