I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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