Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
