what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
