i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
