Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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