I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
