This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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