woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
it's like heaven, but drunker
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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