Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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