Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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