So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
