I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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