tell your sister to shave her snatch
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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